A minute to go, two-two. The German defensive wall stands firm, hands on balls.\u00a0Englishman Matt Ball strides up to take the free kick, ten yards southwest of the box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Smack! In goes the cross, the German keeper fumbles, the ball dangles ridiculously a foot away from the line and tall, dark, hero-of-the-day Andy Burnham nods in the winner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was the dramatic conclusion to another episode in the rich history of Anglo-German footballing epics, played out on the formerly blood-soaked fields of Berlin this May. The UK Parliamentary Football Club had challenged the cream of Germany\u2019s parliament elite to a duel. Duel accepted, the overweight, balding, time-serving footballing elite of the British parliament flew to Berlin ready to give the Hun a good bashing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First signs were ominous. The Hun were fielding a younger, fitter-looking, muscular side dripping with the kind of complacent, understated competence which has taken German teams to more World Cup finals than most England supporters have chins.\u00a0It was a big, big pitch, double the size of Highbury, which sent shivers down MPs\u2019 spines as they contemplated huffing 50 yards every two minutes after these Teutonic mastiffs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a healthy crowd, as these things go. Three camera crews, half a dozen journalists (The Times, The Financial Times) and 20 or 30 girlfriends and British Embassy pointy heads. The game started briskly, with young gun James Purnell (MP for Stalybridge & Hyde in Lancashire and a former pointy head) making some dangerous runs and linking well with Andy Burnham (Leigh, also Lancashire) and Stevie Hepburn (Jarrow). <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But what is this? A mix up in the box puts a German MP through with just the keeper to beat. It\u2019s one-nil! Of course, memories of Munich 2001 are still fresh and the team stiffens its combined sinews, ready for a goal-fest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Matt Ball (Labour party researcher) zips down the left wing, leaving Fritz trailing in his wake.\u00a0Great cross!\u00a0 Andy Reed (Loughborough) steams into the area just in time and connects.\u00a0One-one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The first half edges to its conclusion.\u00a0The midfield battle furiously with the Hun, who seem to be tiring.\u00a0 Their only really impressive player is left midfield and whisks around several panting Englishmen, but always passes to less able comrades, who give it away.\u00a0It\u2019s kind of admirable, his selflessness, but if he were centre forward it could have been curtains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then another wicked cross comes in, Alistair Burt (a Bedfordshire Tory, the only non-Labour) nods the ball down to Andy Burnham just outside the box and he cracks it into the top right hand corner!\u00a0Two-one!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Minutes after the second goal, disaster. Defender Clive Betts (Sheffield Attercliffe), stutters, lets the ball go past him and it\u2019s an open goal. Two-two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So it remains at half-time, where Lawrie McMenemy, drawing on the experience of more than a thousand matches in charge of teams including Southampton, Northern Ireland and (let\u2019s not forget) Grimsby Town, instructs the team to construct a mental piece of string, \u201cnot elastic, mind\u201d which should maintain their formation and stop them leaving gaps. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve seen Lawrie at work before on this team, when he managed them in Japan last year during the World Cup against the Japanese Parliament, mega-bank Nomura and the British Embassy. It\u2019s uncanny. He really understands how they play and can wring a win out of nothing. One player is 64. Others are getting on for 20 stone. But he out-thinks the opposition and inspires optimism. We can score, we can win, even if they\u2019re Beckenbaur and we\u2019re Perry Groves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
McMenemy has a special place in his heart for Paul Farrely (Newcastle Under Lyme), ex-Observer hack and now the team\u2019s fall-guy, forever late, never paying attention and almost always out of position. Even so, he tries hard, which is the point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are some crunching tackles from Stevie Hepburn, who looks and acts like David Batty, ready to nut someone anytime. It doesn\u2019t quite cause an international crisis, unlike the European Parliamentary Football tournament, Portugal 2000, when one Scottish player screamed at the Italian opposition \u201cMamma mia petana!\u201d [\u201cMy mother\u2019s a prostitute!\u201d] before hacking them to pieces. He\u2019s now a government minister.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then, after a goalless second half, salvation from the head of Andy Burnham. The team survives a disallowed goal in the very final seconds and comes off the pitch glowing with national pride.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lawrie is well chuffed. He has a fierce love of winning, despite his two hip replacements and current career as after-dinner speaker and charity spokesman. \u201cYou\u2019re just picking daisies in the centre circle!\u201d he yells at players who are lolling about. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The standard is pretty much Sunday league on Hackney marshes, but you can\u2019t knock beating the Germans, can you?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A minute to go, two-two. The German defensive wall stands firm, hands on balls.\u00a0Englishman Matt Ball strides up to take the free kick, ten yards southwest of the box. Smack! In goes the cross, the German keeper fumbles, the ball dangles ridiculously a foot away from the line and tall, dark, hero-of-the-day Andy Burnham nods […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":412,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[8],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n